He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just google imaged poop.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
