whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
