I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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