2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
