i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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