Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
