I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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