You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
