Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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