all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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