We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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