Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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