3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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