the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
