3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
