Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
