Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize