No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
