apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
