This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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