Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
it's like heaven, but drunker
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
