I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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