I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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