In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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