respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
