Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
