Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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