YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Are my feet made of real feet?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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