I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
