We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
