Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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