At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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