i need an iv and a liver transplant
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
