Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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