Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize