There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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