New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
