Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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