i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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