Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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