Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
