If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
