you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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