I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize