Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My dick has a subreddit
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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