I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
