Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
