i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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