I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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