I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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