Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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