How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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