haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
