I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
