i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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