Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
