My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
