So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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