guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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